Names (and How I’m Kind of a Jackass)

I feel like the parenthetical statement is superfluous. Hell, using “superfluous” is kind of jackassy. I’m not going to stop there, though. I woke up at 3am and I’m full of annoying shit today. Here we go.

Names are awesome. If you’re going to name something, like a kid, you should give it a fucking amazing name. This is no time to halfass it. I would tell you the names I picked out for kids I decided not to have, but your brain would literally explode. I’m awesome at naming things.

Back in the day, names meant things. English, really, is the only culture that doesn’t use its own language in names. In India, names mean amazing things all the time.

  • Rajendra is fairly common and totally means “king Indra” in Sanskrit. Not impressed? Well here is a picture of Indra.


He can hold lightning bolts, if he wants.

  • Raja? King.
  • Jaganmata?Mother of the WORLD!
  • Kali?

This is Kali.



Hell, yes.

  • Chandra? Moon!
  • Devadata? God-sent.
  • Ramakrishna? Ram AND Krishna. Check them out:


Yeah, a lot of the names are gods, but awesome.

Roman names? Still meant something.

  • Gaius? Male version of “Gaia,” which is, you know, the WORLD!
  • Marcus? Version of “Mars.” Mars is awesome.
Chillin' with a spear.

Chillin’ with a spear.


  • Lucius/Lucia? Light, or light-haver (also turns into Lucas, Lucian, Lucifer, and what not).
  • Hadrian (Adrian)? Dark earth. Alright.
  • Julia/Julius? Mmmm just part of a clan name; means her dad was called Julius. Whatevs.
  • Augustus/Augusta: fucking auspicious one. Awesome.
  • Valerius/Valeria: super virtuous.

Hebrew also had it going on and, chances are, your name is Hebrew (if you’re of European descent).

  • Jessica? God’s gift. Right on.
  • Jesca/Sarah? Foresight. Cool. Better than hindsight, amirite?
  • Adam? Strength (that’s why super good armor is made of Adamantium, duh).
  • Alan? Handsome.
  • Andrew? Manly. Seriously. Rawr!
  • Christopher? Take a guess. Plus “bearer.” Someone who bears the anointed one (presumably in his soul).

There’s a fucking terrible trend recently, and I’m sorry if you’re part of it, but I didn’t do it to you: naming kids SURNAMES or just… eh names or… words. Why? Because it’s cute. I don’t find it cute. I find it lazy and creepy.

  • Madison? Son of Matthew, yet usually the daughter of someone named Ivory or Winter (both of which… not names; sorry, if you’re reading this, Christopher).
  • Addison? Son of Adam. What a cute girl!
  • Alexis? Boy’s name (check out Russian or Ancient Greek history some time, alright?)… “for help,” like in battle. Like in Ancient Greek battle.
  • Payton/Peyton? “Paega’s Town.” Good work, everyone. Your kid is a place.
  • Trinity? This, along with the next two, is what I call the “stripper trinity.” No good can come of this.
  • Heaven? Don’t want your daughter sexualized? Ok, good, because ZERO people will say “got a slice of Heaven” in reference to banging your daughter from middle school on. Just telling you how it is.
  • Candy…? Don’t.
  • Kennedy? Grandson of (I had to look up the freaking spelling) Ceanneidigh. Not even son; certainly not daughter.
  • Allison? Son of Allen.
  • Alison? Feminine form of the above. Ha! Fooled you.

Regardless, if you’re going to name something, pick the awesomest name ever. They make books for this. Look in those books. English is bastardized enough, can we not just wave two middle fingers at everything ever and either name your kid a NAME or something awesome.

Like “Peanut” or “Umbrella.” Elton John’s biography (from the ’90s) had a claim (from a friend) that he would name his kid Umbrella. Nope. Named them Zachary (“God remembered”) and Elijah (“My name is YHWH”). Oh, Hebrew names? Good work, Elton John (who’s middle name is Hercules… SON OF HERA! YESGOODWORKOK!).

Good work, buddy.

Good work, buddy.

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