It’s Okay to Fall in Love

I’m really sleepy. I couldn’t sleep but 3 hours last night, and now it’s like 1am, and I have to make up for the few hours I took to socialize this, uh… month, but Imma put this out here. It’s late and I’m nearly dead.

From Derby Deeds Done Dirt Cheap: Everyone has a derby crush, and we’ve done the “Derby Crush of the Month” for the past few months, but this week we want to do something different!

We want to show our Officials some love!! So this week, we’re going to have the Ref & NSO Crush of the Month!

If you’ve got a Ref or NSO that you’d like to show some love to, SEND IT IN!! (Don’t post it here & spoil the fun! 😉 )

Shoot us an email at refcrush@derbydeeds.com!

Hugh Jorgan, Sleazer, and Mantis posing for a quick shot

Hugh Jorgan, Sleazer, and Mantis posing for a quick shot

I cannot honestly decide who to write in about. I know some really amazing refs; I know some really amazing NSOs. There are a lot of people that I jump up and down inside when I see them and a lot of people I know who have busted their ass to further the sport from the zeeble side. I have met people with such dedication to officiating derby that they will go to absolutely unbelievable lengths, just to learn or do or help. What is more crush-worthy than loyalty, dedication, brains, and desire?

You know what I think draws me to officiating? It’s either black and white or like a philosophical debate until we find the correct shade. Unlike picking crushes…

Posted in Derby, Junk I Think You Should Do | Leave a comment

The Great Melting Pot, Except Those Bits That Just Won’t Blend

 

An American flag hijab.

An American flag hijab.

This is what I’m talking about today.

First off, I’m going to give you a smidge of history.

1. America is supposed to be some big fucking melting pot, where everyone can be a shining star and chase the dream of working hard and living an awesome life. Not just White people, not just Christians, not just guys. Back in the day, the three most discriminated against persons: Black (if you didn’t pick up on this one), Asian (please see how we got railroads), and Irish (wuuuuuut? Look it up. The Irish were “European n-words”).

How long to melting pots take to melt? A few hundred years? Well, so far I’m not seeing much of a melt, though it is a far cry from day one, sure. Does it take forced measures of “diversity?” It shouldn’t. Capable adults should be able to recognize talent and beauty without looking at someone’s physical features, or even clothes. If you want to see real diversity, go to India. Hindus, Buddhist, Muslims all together with hijras, East Asians, Central Asians, hell, even Southern South Asians are a far cry from their Northern counterparts. So, the Third World figured it out but we, some AMAZING fucking super power can’t? Alright.

2. I’m not sure how up on the history of Judaism you are, but, man, let me tell you: those people have had it rough since, oh, 586 BCE. Skipping over the ancient bits towards the modern-ish, when Jewish people were facing some pretty serious dilemmas in European countries (not referring to WWII Germany, exactly), something Jewish people began to adopt was an idea of nationalism. At that point, being Jewish did not necessarily mean an ethnicity and certainly couldn’t mean an allegiance to a specific country (that kept getting snagged from them).

In an attempt to, I dunno, quit getting exiled from crap like Spain and everywhere else, many Jewish people began putting their nationality first, and their religion second. Not like they put YHWH on the backburner, but they began to identify themselves as Germans, French, Spaniards, and so on instead of just “Jewish.” If there is no homeland or you have adopted a new one, it’s a pretty good idea to actively identify as that nationality, right?

Ok, now, to the point. If you haven’t clicked the link above, prepare to be sickened. Yes, I realize a lot of terrible things are associated with Islam these days, but you cannot say that the whole of a religion is evil. If all Muslims thought as the ones deemed terrorists, then we would be gone. 2.2 billion Muslims on the planet. Do you honestly believe they are all out for blood? You’re kidding yourself, if you do.

Further, I keep seeing these remarks of Islam being the religion of the devil, devilish, Satanic, and so on. Did you know that Judaism developed first, then Christianity, then Islam? All three are considered Abrahamic Religions, as they trace back to Abraham (some followers so to the point that they claim to literally be the descendents of Abraham; not so much the Christians, as that is one of the huge divergences from Judaism, of course).

All the recognize Abraham and Moses and many of the same stories and figures, and all three have the same god. It’s a difference in practice, not in deity. Don’t believe me? Read a book. That’s how I found out.

Now, for this woman’s hijab being an American flag— think where else you see the flag worn as clothing. Pudgy, middle-aged White women wearing matching short sets (I can’t get the image of this out of my head; it’s a specific reference to a fairly horrifying mom-of-a-friend from high school); Harley Davidson everything, so lots of old, beardy guys on loud bikes, alright; skimpy bikinis; guys’ boxers; whoever’s briefs; ladies’ bras; dollar store bandanas; you name it, and it exists somewhere. I have never thought the American flag made great clothes, which has kind of bummed me out, but I digress.

So, now, a Muslim woman living in America is wearing an American flag hijab and the melting pot calls for her to be urinated upon? Stoned to death? Ripped of her religious garments? Shot in the head?

She wants to live in America just like your ancestors wanted to live in America. It is highly unlikely that she is making a political statement. It is more likely that she wants to belong.

Again, I recognize the many horrifying events associated with Islam. I will admit to you right now that I only have one Muslim friend (I do seclude myself, though, so I can also admit to a fairly low number of other faiths) in America. Ban Islam? Do we call for banning Catholicism every time something horrible happens that is associated with such? And that’s a pretty fucking long list, if you’d care to check. Do we call for the ban of the Baptist faith for the WBC? Nope. Hell, we even sometimes separate them from the rest, as if to deny any association with WBC and Baptists.

I’m trying to think… who was that guy who said “let he who is without sin cast the first stone…?” Thinking thinking thinking.

Slipping my mind.

Or, how about that guy who first advocated the Golden Rule? That guy is Confucius, in case you were wondering. Maybe we should quit following it… that guy was Chinese.

Advocating murder, slighting, violence, and hatred is not what this country was founded on. Get with it, guys.

Posted in Feels, Serious Post Time | 2 Comments

Midwest Derby Fest

I had meant to say so many things about this earlier, I just get so easily distracted.

You can skip around this page for info, if you don’t want to read all my words:

Words

For Spectators

For Announcers, EMTs, and Volunteers

I am pleased to say that I am involved in the first Midwest Derby Fest tournament as Tournament Head NSO! As the event grows nearer, I get more and more excited… it’s like being full of butterflies and waiting for weeks to finally puke them out, in a glorious display of something both beautiful and kind of scary! Scary in a neat way, though, like when a magician cuts a rabbit’s hat in half, or whatever it is they’re doing these days.

As THNSO, I get to work with 40+ beautiful people AND Hugh Jorgan (Tournament Head Ref), who has long been one of my ref idols. If you haven’t met him, he is just a lovely person through and through and an amazing ref to work with.

I also get to get back to my “back in the day,” when it was Batwing (Gatekeepers) and a few other people who organized the original Beat Me Halfway clinics, and had graciously allowed me to be their HNSO; and also Shane Darby (formerly known as Coach Spanx or Freak, depending on what position he was holding, but now skating under his legal name), who was the first derby coach I had met some years ago. Hooray, back in the day!

So, I wanted to tell you some things about the tournament, as you may be interested in attending in some capacity.

For Spectators: there are 16 WFTDA, apprentice, and women’s leagues and 4 MRDA and men’s leagues participating for a total of 34 bouts over the weekend. Holy crap, right?! No mash ups, at all, just straight up derby from leagues you know and love!

Info: 29-30 June, Cowan Civic Center in Lebanon Missouri. Tickets are $20 for one day or $30 for the weekend.

WFTDA, Apprentice, and Women’s Leagues:

  • ARRG (Arch Rival Roller Girls): Fleur DeLinquents
  • Benton County Derby Dames*
  • Cape Girardeau Roller Girls*
  • Circle City Socialites
  • Dark River Derby Coalition (DRDC)*
  • ICT Roller Girls
  • KCRW (Kansas City Roller Warriors): Plan B
  • Mo-Kan Roller Girls
  • NWARD (North West Arkansas Roller Derby): Natural Disasters
  • Quad City Rollers
  • Red River Sirens*
  • River Valley Derby Diamonds
  • So-Ill (Southern Illinois) Roller Girls
  • Springfield Battle Broads
  • SQCRD (Springfield Queen City Roller Derby): Queen Bs
  • St. Chux: Pack in Black

MRDA and Men’s Leagues:

  • Benton County Derby Demons*
  • Capital City Hooligans*
  • Cowtown Butchers
  • Tulsa Derby Militia*

*non-WFTDA/MRDA participants

Exciting, right?!

For Announcers, EMTs, and Volunteers:

If you are interested in announcing, please fill in your details here!!!

I am currently at capacity on NSOs, but if you think you might want to volunteer in another capacity (we are especially in need of more EMTs!!!), contact Shane through our FaceBook page!

Volunteers get free entry, a VIP pass to special events, and extra good times for their wonderful efforts!

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Posted in Derby, Junk I Think You Should Do, Junk I Think You Should Know | 1 Comment

In a Perfectly Alright World…

I would be married to Bernard Black.

Sure, he has his faults, but at least he’s cute and less concerned with cleaning than he is bitching about something ridiculous. It evens out, probably.

If you haven’t watched Black Books, it’s on Netflix instant. I mean… what else are you doing at half ten on a Tuesday?

My little misanthrope... <3

My little misanthrope… <3

Posted in Super Random | Leave a comment

Just Some Words on: Cat Clothing

When I was a kid, I used to buy doggie t-shirts and put them on my cats.

Cats hate that shit.

The end.

Posted in Junk I Think You Should Know, Super Random | 5 Comments

Don’t Let People Take Advantage of Us!

In case anyone ever was thinking of ordering from SkateGEEK, as it would appear you are supporting actual derby people, let me tell you a little story:

One of my buddies from Black Eyed Cherries (part of East Kootenay Roller Derby) ordered 36 custom jerseys in March for $509 USD ($530 CAD) thinking the same thing. They received 17 of 36 jerseys in April, three days AFTER the due date, and all but one had the wrong names, numbers, or were missing chunks of ink. When they attempted to rectify the situation, they were given no options, never received the remaining jerseys, and have been ignored outright, while SkateGEEK continues to design shoddy armbands (read some reviews; their armbands apparently fall to bits after less than two scrimmages) and gain a customer base by seeming to be a “for derby, by derby” kind of company.

This kitten's armband numbers peeled during a bout. Equipment malfunctions fall under "Illegal Procedure," even if you don't know it's happening. Lost money AND penalties?!

This kitten’s armband numbers peeled during a bout. Equipment malfunctions fall under “Illegal Procedure,” even if you don’t know it’s happening. Lost money AND penalties?!

No refund, no replacements, no customer service, no response to BBB complaints, and maintaining innocence through a “no refunds on custom orders” loophole. Absolutely despicable. Please share this status so others don’t make the same mistake and maybe SkateGEEK will wake up and show some semblance of honor.

We do not need another BS company taking advantage of this sport and many leagues cannot afford to throw away half a grand on nothing. There is enough of this crap going around and tiny companies popping up just long enough to trick a league or two, then blipping out of existence. It’s disgusting. We work hard, don’t we? We built this, didn’t we? This is ours. Don’t put up with it.

I usually don’t ask for shares, but share if you agree that this is bullshit.

This kitten is part of a new league and their dues barely cover practice space. Do you want her to lose money on crap jerseys, as well?!

This kitten is part of a new league and their dues barely cover practice space. Do you want her to lose money on crap jerseys, as well?!

Posted in Derby, Serious Post Time | 2 Comments

…and Then I Remembered

After what I refer to as “murder semester,” a long-time derby acquaintance (who I will call “Raucous Ron,” as that is his name) invited me to come out to Kansas City for a few days.

As I have whined a few times, I haven’t had a lot of time for derby these past few months… I’ve been kind “eh,” like “what do I do?” The things that used to get me fucking pumped have left me kinda… eh, you know? I announced 2 bouts this season and that was super fun, yeah, but I keep thinking back to how just stupid excited I used to get…

And then I did, again. I went to my pal Shady’s birthday party and co-announced this really great double-header the next day. The DH was a co-ed mashup (Cowtown Butchers, who I have a collective crush on vs. Dead Girl Derby, who I have wanted to go see for years) with MADE rules, followed by KCRW Plan B vs. DGD B Team… the first half MADE, second half WFTDA.

OMG, it was amazing!!! I felt like I was derby-young again!

Partly because my brain is back to where I was in 2010, but mostly because I felt love 🙂 When you first start reffing, you just are looking… staring into a bunch of bodies thinking “what are you doing? Ok, that’s fi… wait. No… well, did that? Oh, elbows… number? Fuck… too late… whistle… shit. Okokok. Game face gamefacegameface…” Reffing is a hard game, you guys, for serious. Announcing is a fun game, but, I’m not sure if it’s my brain gearing over from “silence, mouth; you must only say the penalties” to “narrate that business!!!”

I am pleased as shit to report that I am loving the change over, though 🙂 I will still ref and/or NSO, because I love it, but… I can say words on a mic?! Yeah!!! I can dance? Well, theoretically, you know, if I could dance and I wanted to, it is allowed! And I smiled and people offered me high fives and I motorboated (a male) skater, knowing I couldn’t be accused of bias!!! Oh, my, yes!

The “love” part is so strange and will sound stupid, likely, but I give zero fucks. When RR said my name over the mic, KCRW was standing off to the side behind us and they cheered for me! Yay! Then, in breaks, people outside would come up and tell me how awesome it was that I came up and just nice things all the time! I love nice things! Even the pointers were nice! Nice!!! Feeling appreciated is a beautiful thing!

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Even this was nice, even though it was also what we call “scary.” Nice and scary!

This was, indeed, the first time I had seen MADE in person and, hot damn, that is an exciting set up! Fast, fast, fast and the scores stay so much closer… lots of neat new things! Just lovely! And the 1/2 and 1/2 was amazing! The difference is so… different… I want to say all the things, but not be boring right now, so let me just say “fuck, I hope I get invited up for some more of that!” Ahgahdsogood!

But, better, Imma say shit I learned/did this weekend that made me smile all over. Yeah, shit is about to get slightly mushy, but I will keep it under control.

  • I saw two bouts of derby where the players smiled almost constantly. The benches were giggly, the jammers were beaming, and the penalty box looked fun. I am all for serious time and, don’t get me wrong, I like to put on my serious face, but it made my soul smile to watch jam after jam of happiness.
  • If you give a random person a shark, they will smile for a moment. If you give a Cobrashark a shark, he will smile all night.
  • Unicorns, robots, and cupcakes are the key to making smiles.
  • Tie chains make you look even more pimping than usual.
  • Boys can fit into girls shorts, but sometimes… it’s… uh, peculiar.
  • If you are from out of town, you can avoid being sucked into weird drama by pretending not to know people’s names. Hooray for feigning ignorance!
  • I found out I know a lot of people with secret PhDs.
  • I want to travel through secret places in Asia with Shady. Ron can come, as long as we don’t go to Singapore.
I'm back and looking as disappointed as ever. I smile on the inside, ok.

I’m back and looking as disappointed as ever. I smile on the inside, ok.

Posted in Derby, Super Random | Leave a comment

Names (and How I’m Kind of a Jackass)

I feel like the parenthetical statement is superfluous. Hell, using “superfluous” is kind of jackassy. I’m not going to stop there, though. I woke up at 3am and I’m full of annoying shit today. Here we go.

Names are awesome. If you’re going to name something, like a kid, you should give it a fucking amazing name. This is no time to halfass it. I would tell you the names I picked out for kids I decided not to have, but your brain would literally explode. I’m awesome at naming things.

Back in the day, names meant things. English, really, is the only culture that doesn’t use its own language in names. In India, names mean amazing things all the time.

  • Rajendra is fairly common and totally means “king Indra” in Sanskrit. Not impressed? Well here is a picture of Indra.
YES!

YES!

He can hold lightning bolts, if he wants.

  • Raja? King.
  • Jaganmata?Mother of the WORLD!
  • Kali?

This is Kali.

RAWR!

RAWR!

Hell, yes.

  • Chandra? Moon!
  • Devadata? God-sent.
  • Ramakrishna? Ram AND Krishna. Check them out:

ramakrishna

Yeah, a lot of the names are gods, but awesome.

Roman names? Still meant something.

  • Gaius? Male version of “Gaia,” which is, you know, the WORLD!
  • Marcus? Version of “Mars.” Mars is awesome.
Chillin' with a spear.

Chillin’ with a spear.

 

  • Lucius/Lucia? Light, or light-haver (also turns into Lucas, Lucian, Lucifer, and what not).
  • Hadrian (Adrian)? Dark earth. Alright.
  • Julia/Julius? Mmmm just part of a clan name; means her dad was called Julius. Whatevs.
  • Augustus/Augusta: fucking auspicious one. Awesome.
  • Valerius/Valeria: super virtuous.

Hebrew also had it going on and, chances are, your name is Hebrew (if you’re of European descent).

  • Jessica? God’s gift. Right on.
  • Jesca/Sarah? Foresight. Cool. Better than hindsight, amirite?
  • Adam? Strength (that’s why super good armor is made of Adamantium, duh).
  • Alan? Handsome.
  • Andrew? Manly. Seriously. Rawr!
  • Christopher? Take a guess. Plus “bearer.” Someone who bears the anointed one (presumably in his soul).

There’s a fucking terrible trend recently, and I’m sorry if you’re part of it, but I didn’t do it to you: naming kids SURNAMES or just… eh names or… words. Why? Because it’s cute. I don’t find it cute. I find it lazy and creepy.

  • Madison? Son of Matthew, yet usually the daughter of someone named Ivory or Winter (both of which… not names; sorry, if you’re reading this, Christopher).
  • Addison? Son of Adam. What a cute girl!
  • Alexis? Boy’s name (check out Russian or Ancient Greek history some time, alright?)… “for help,” like in battle. Like in Ancient Greek battle.
  • Payton/Peyton? “Paega’s Town.” Good work, everyone. Your kid is a place.
  • Trinity? This, along with the next two, is what I call the “stripper trinity.” No good can come of this.
  • Heaven? Don’t want your daughter sexualized? Ok, good, because ZERO people will say “got a slice of Heaven” in reference to banging your daughter from middle school on. Just telling you how it is.
  • Candy…? Don’t.
  • Kennedy? Grandson of (I had to look up the freaking spelling) Ceanneidigh. Not even son; certainly not daughter.
  • Allison? Son of Allen.
  • Alison? Feminine form of the above. Ha! Fooled you.

Regardless, if you’re going to name something, pick the awesomest name ever. They make books for this. Look in those books. English is bastardized enough, can we not just wave two middle fingers at everything ever and either name your kid a NAME or something awesome.

Like “Peanut” or “Umbrella.” Elton John’s biography (from the ’90s) had a claim (from a friend) that he would name his kid Umbrella. Nope. Named them Zachary (“God remembered”) and Elijah (“My name is YHWH”). Oh, Hebrew names? Good work, Elton John (who’s middle name is Hercules… SON OF HERA! YESGOODWORKOK!).

Good work, buddy.

Good work, buddy.

Posted in Just Being a Jerk, Super Random | Leave a comment

Scholarly Research!

Hey, errbuddies 🙂 Just so you know, I have no affiliation with Madison, Mad Rollin Dolls, UWisc, SinCity, or pretty much anything, now that I think of it. Anyway, read on!!!

“Dear Derby Friends,

My name is Meaghan Combs, aka Sugalumps. I am a skater with Madison’s WFTDA flat track league, the Mad Rollin Dolls. I am also a Family Medicine doctor at the University of Wisconsin. Please consider sharing this email with your league.

In my practice of medicine, I have realized there is no data about Roller Derby and especially about our injuries from the sport we love. The first step in preventing injuries is to know what injuries are happening. I have created an anonymous survey for skaters and refs to take regarding what injuries they have had, what they did to help them get better, what professional care they sought, and what derby means to them in life overall.

The survey is open to anyone who is a current or past skater or ref; male or female, flat or banked track. The only restrictions are that the survey is only available in English, and that it is for adults only (over 18 please).

Feel free to send this email onto other derby leagues or skaters you know of so they can participate as well.

The survey is available online. It is anonymous and takes about 5 to 15 minutes to complete. All participants are eligible to enter into a lottery for one of five $200 gift cards to Sin City Skates.

Here is the link. http://study.uwsc.wisc.edu/derby. There is more information about taking the survey on the website. The survey will be open until Friday June 7th.

Again, please share the link with as many interested skaters or refs as you wish. The more respondents, the more useful the information will be to all of us.

Thanks much! Please email me with questions.
Sugalumps/ Meaghan Combs MD
meaghanita.combs -at- gmail.com”

Posted in Derby, Junk I Think You Should Do | Leave a comment

That Time I Accidentally Caused an Evacuation at a Porn Shop

No pics on this post, for the safety of everyone’s fucking sanity.

The day before my 18th birthday, I answered an ad in the local paper looking for someone to work at (wuuuuuuuuut?!) a porn shop. The lady on the phone said I should come in the next day for the application, and I did. Inside, I was jumping up and down like a maniac. Job at porn shop?! IF THEY COULD SEE ME NOW!

They, of course, were everyone who had essentially said… uh, I would end up working at some shit job because I’m lazy or whatever. I was also enrolled in college, though, alright.

So, using my most awkward charms, I got that job on my 18th birthday. I just remember two hulking beasts masquerading as humans, leaned over a counter eying me and asking me random questions. I don’t even think I filled out an application… that place was skeeze central, but you know what? They had a giant flatscreen TV behind the counter that stood taller than I, on which I would “demo” DVDs for my own edification or for a customer to make a decision.

You can’t even judge me right now. You would do the same thing.

So, on the day I’m writing about, three things happened:

First, I found out why the guys who came in would change from booth to booth. There was a camera in the hall outside the doors (not looking in, ok) and I was told if one of the lights went out above the closed doors, I needed to go hassle whoever was in there to put more quarters in. The lights stayed on, but the guys would periodically wander out to another booth. I hadn’t gone back there at all (the smell… was… deargod) and I had assumed that there was only one video per booth. Nope! One of the regulars who would get rolls of quarters at a time informed me of the (then) mythical glory holes and what was going on back there. That’s fair, I suppose.

Second, this serial caller phoned… I used to get all kinds of fucked up phone calls, but this one guy would call just to hear my voice. Not even my voice… just someone‘s. His number would pop up on caller ID, as it did from the first day I worked there until the last… and he would act as if he had bought a marital aid and needed some instruction on how to use it. Same type of call, different device every time.

The third thing actually happened prior to and during this phone call. Some five or six men were “watching videos” in the booths and I was just sitting around up front. Nothing to do… “What is this giant spraycan?” I thought to myself. I picked it up and turned it around in my palm. It was the size of a can of hairspray, like AquaNet, but silver with black letters that had almost completely fallen off. Two strips of the fuzzy side of velcro were wrapped around it… and I just couldn’t figure out what it was. I decided it probably was not hairspray and probably was Lysol, or something like it, and sprayed just a burst on the black floor mat behind the counter as the phone rang.

It was the serial caller. I saw it before I even picked up the phone. I dreaded this every day. As I tried to avoid saying anything actually sexual and direct him to, I don’t know, the fucking internet, I thought “damn, my throat feels… closing?” Just then, all of the men burst from their booths and fled in a mass of “WHAT THE FUCK” outside. As one I knew passed, I asked what was going on.

“Some son of a bitch sprayed mace in here,” he yelled as he went out into the fresh air. I don’t remember how I ended that fucking call, but I remember thinking… if I’m standing on the spot where the mace is and it’s only slightly hurting me, but guys who are engaged in a fair amount of… distraction some 40 feet away are in pain… why, I must be invincible!

There was no way to open any windows, as they were barred up and painted shut. We all stood around outside talking. I didn’t say what I had accidentally done for a while. Everyone thought someone had come in and committed a really lame hate crime… and so I had to confess. They were all so nice and told me I had to call my boss, but they would all lie for me so I wouldn’t get fired. I declined.

I am a pervert, sure, but I am a virtuous pervert.

The same cannot be said for the fucker that owns that shop. He was cool about it, overall, but instead of firing or reprimanding me, he just went into detail about how he’d like to sodomize my boyfriend (at the time). When I told him, politely, that it wasn’t cool, he said I should “take it as a compliment” and was “lucky I wasn’t being fired.” That guy is a complete piece of shit, for real. I could go on and on…

I had at some point suggested to the manager and owner (before I got fired for complaining about being sexually harassed when the manager slapped my ass and grabbed me around the waist one day; yeah, I was told I was too immature to work there if I couldn’t handle some, uh, getting groped) that they should sell body jewelry and pipes, as many porn shops do. That’s actually all they do now… if they’re even still open. I really don’t get out much, these days.

The end.

Posted in Super Random | Leave a comment